An infinitesimal of childhood
by crowind
Summary: When the dust has settled, Yukina tries to sort contradictions from paradoxes. [coda to A Season for Fireflies.]


_Title is taken liberally from Louder. Takes place directly after A Season for Fireflies. I thought Yukina got the short shrift in the original story, although I consider it complete without this postscript.  
_

* * *

Studio 4 was quiet save for the sounds of pencil scratching on paper. Yukina liked these moments best: after rehearsal, so that the band's sound still echoed, but after everyone had left, so that she was alone with her thoughts. It was the best time to work on reviewing Roselia's progress and writing the next song.

Today was not one of their better days. Unproductive. Irritating, like the phantom feeling of a fine fish bone stuck to your throat after you'd thrown up. Yukina had never felt this way about a session. The echoes of it intruded whenever she was getting into the flow.

I'm sorry; thank you. Two sentiments that shouldn't have been able to exist together but did. The song she was revising, too, had no right to be included in Roselia's discography, and yet here Yukina was, revising it.

After staring blankly at the paper for a full ten minutes, Yukina finally admitted to herself today was as good as wasted. It was almost five; this late in the afternoon, it should be safe to go home.

Yukina didn't so much open the door as threw her weight against it. Sounds immediately leaked in, and lights, and all the other dizzying stimuli. And piercing through all of that, a familiar voice that made her heart stop.

The door to the adjacent studio had opened at roughly the same time. The person who emerged was a stranger, however.

"I didn't think you'd still be around, Yukina-chan."

…Not a stranger, after all. After wracking her brain a little, Yukina put a name to the face. "Shirasagi-san. I don't believe we've met today."

Chisato inclined her head, a mysterious smile etched on her face. "No, but I'm with Lisa-chan. I'm buying drinks, should we continue this conversation on the way?"

"What conversation are we having?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," Chisato said over her shoulder, and Yukina followed her to the lounge.

The vending machine hummed noisily on standby. On Chisato's selection its whirring and rattling scraped on Yukina's spine. Chisato invited Yukina to sit down with her on the sofa. Lisa would wonder what was taking Chisato so long. If indeed it was Lisa in the other studio. Not that it was Yukina's business. Lisa was no longer Yukina's business — Lisa, Sayo, even Rinko had made that clear. She started wondering why she bothered with Chisato at all.

"You have the look of a lost child about you." Yukina stared at Chisato. "Pardon my directness, but you seem like the type to dislike beating around the bush."

"I don't know anything about you."

"Oh? But I've heard so much about you from Hina-chan, you and Roselia. Hina-chan enjoyed her short time with you so very much, I should thank you for taking a good care of her."

"You're welcome, but this hardly direct."

Chisato smiled behind her hand. This gesture set off… something. Not a memory, but a gut feeling, the unpleasant crawling on the nape of her neck. "Very well. I'm asking you to keep in touch in the event that you decide to invite Hina-chan into Roselia."

Her reasons were manifold. Contracts, scheduling, negotiations with the agency, appeasing fans, all those extraneous details that reminded Yukina of her determination for Roselia to remain independent for as long as humanly possible.

Yukina had only one thing to say to Chisato's short spiel. "Why did you assume I would want Hina in Roselia, just because she has filled in for Lisa once and is Sayo's twin? We are not the sort of band who'd substitute friendship for quality."

"How curious, Lisa-chan thought you might've said that, in that exact wording."

The way she said Lisa's name made Yukina pause. Chisato had been present — on Lisa's invitation — the night Lisa had first attempted to quit, and again today. Yukina didn't believe in conspiracies, but she believed in coincidences even less.

"What do you stand to gain from this?"

"Good question. Do you think this is too much in exchange for a new friend?" There was a genuine note of wonder in Chisato's voice. Yukina ignored it.

Until Chisato hit her with, "Well, what do you see in Lisa-chan?"

Yukina finally looked, really looked at Chisato, every centimetre the bespoke doll. Still very sweetly, the doll continued, "Were you expecting something else? But I'd really rather ask something even you could answer."

It clicked. Chisato's carefree tone, her ever-present smile, the warmth she exuded as easily as breathing. It was like talking to Lisa. And Yukina'd had enough of people who thought they were one step ahead of her, who dangled words as food before a kitten, baiting her to say what they wanted her to say. People who thought they were being kind, that they knew best, that 'this is for your own good' justified everything.

Yukina stood abruptly. "You suit each other. Have a good day."

At another time, before Roselia had been named, Sayo had doubted Yukina. The middle-schooler was fine. The middle-schooler had skills enough. The old friend — Yukina felt Sayo's estimation of her drop even before she'd capitulated. Sayo must have seen it. The part of Yukina that leapt at the chance to play with Lisa, her skills be damned. Out of respect Sayo had questioned her decision only once.

At another time, almost a year later, Sayo had appealed to that same part. All that Imai-san wanted was to be heard. For the sake of keeping Roselia together, wouldn't you do anything, Minato-san? It was unusually canny of Sayo that Yukina had almost done as she'd asked. It was just words, just one question.

Yukina had wondered how Sayo could understand Lisa so well, until it clicked. Rather than canny, Sayo was serious. Sayo was always serious and earnest. And worse, she was one of those people for whom kindness was a reflex. People like that wouldn't understand. Yukina could only mime kindness. A counterfeit kindness that would only insult, make a mockery of all that Lisa had done for her.

Sayo couldn't understand that, wouldn't understand. But that was fine. Yukina only needed Sayo to follow. As long as Yukina had Sayo, she still had Roselia.

But Sayo had been right every single time. From doubting Lisa in the beginning, to the present after her opinions had taken an about face. Yukina had learned much from Lisa. That a comfortable rehearsal atmosphere need not necessarily sacrifice efficiency, but the opposite. That camaraderie, and the accompanying new experiences might result in inspiration.

That there was absolutely no value in playing music unless it was for its own sake. Not for money, not for fame, not for a friend. Such a thing could never last. In her weakness Yukina had allowed it, hoping that eventually Lisa would come to appreciate music in itself. She had been hoping in vain. Never again, she vowed to herself. She had learned her lesson.

I want you to succeed; I can't provide the only thing you need from me. Such a contradiction had no place in Roselia. But that was the most valuable lesson: no one in Roselia is too indispensable. Roselia could not afford such weakness.

Still, Yukina found herself pausing before Studio 3. Lisa was inside, spending her time with the bassist of another band. This despite making her grand exit from Roselia mere hours ago. Yukina thought she should feel betrayed. She did, along with a not-insignificant amount of relief.

A part of her wanted to open the door. But what would she say? I'll see you tomorrow at lunch; I never want to see your face again. Yet another contradiction she could not abide.

Yukina stepped back from the door and faced forward. It was already summer. From now on Roselia couldn't but rise from their ashes and soar free.


End file.
